Worrying can be helpful when it spurs you to take action and solve a problem. But if you’re preoccupied with “what ifs” and worst-case scenarios, worry becomes a problem of its own. Fears can be paralyzing. They can sap your emotional energy, increase your anxiety levels, and interfere with your daily life. But chronic worrying is a mental habit that can be broken. You can train your brain to stay calm.
Why cant we stop worrying why is so hard?
No one likes the way constant worrying makes you feel, so why is it so difficult to stop? The answer lies in the beliefs—both negative and positive—you have about worrying.
On the negative side, you may believe that your constant worrying is going to spiral completely out of control, or damage your health. You may even believe that worrying shows you’re a caring and conscientious person.
Negative beliefs, or worrying about worrying, add to your anxiety and keep it going (much in the same way worrying about getting to sleep often keeps you awake). But positive beliefs about worrying can be even more damaging. It’s tough to break the worry habit if you believe that your worrying protects you. In order to stop worry and anxiety for good, you must give up your belief that worrying serves a positive purpose. Once you realize that worrying is the problem, not the solution, you can regain control of your worried mind.
“Why You Keep Worrying”
You have mixed feelings about your worries. On one hand, your worries are bothering you - you can't sleep, and you can't get these pessimistic thoughts out of your head. But there is a way that these worries make sense to you. For example, you think:
- -Maybe I'll find a solution.
- -I don't want to overlook anything.
- -If I keep thinking a little longer, maybe I'll figure it out.
- -I don't want to be surprised.
- -I want to be responsible.
You have a hard time giving up on your worries because, in a sense, your worries have been working for you. “
Source: The Worry Cure: Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You, Robert L. Leahy, Ph.D.
Tip 1: Create a worry period
It’s tough to be productive in your daily life when anxiety and worry are dominating your thoughts. But what can you do?
Telling yourself to stop worrying doesn’t work—at least not for long. You can distract yourself for a moment, but you can’t banish anxious thoughts for good. In fact, trying to do so often makes them stronger and more persistent.
You can test this out for yourself. Close your eyes and picture a pink elephant. Once you can see it in your mind, stop thinking about it. Whatever you do, for the next 60 seconds, don’t think about pink elephants!
How did you do? Did thoughts of pink elephants keep popping in your brain?
But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to control worry. You just need a different approach. This is where the strategy of postponing worrying comes in. Rather than trying to stop or get rid of an anxious thought, give yourself permission to have it, but put off dwelling on it until later.
Try to do this:
1. Create a "worry period" Choose a set time and place for worrying. It should be the same every day (e.g. in the living room from 5:00 to 5:20 p.m.) and early enough that it won’t make you anxious right before bedtime. During your worry period, you’re allowed to worry about whatever’s on your mind. The rest of the day, however, is a worry-free zone.
2. Postpone your worry. If an anxious thought or worry comes into your head during the day, make a brief note of it and then continue about your day. Remind yourself that you’ll have time to think about it later, so there’s no need to worry about it right now.
3. Go over your "worry list" during the worry period. If the thoughts you wrote down are still bothering you, allow yourself to worry about them, but only for the amount of time you’ve specified for your worry period. If they don’t seem important any more, cut your worry period short and enjoy the rest of your day.
Postponing worrying is effective because it breaks the habit of dwelling on worries when you’ve got other things to do, yet there’s no struggle to suppress the thought or judge it. You simply save it for later. And as you develop the ability to postpone your anxious thoughts, you’ll start to realize that you have more control than you think.
Tip 2: Ask yourself if the problem is solvable
Research shows that while you’re worrying, you temporarily feel less anxious. Problem solving involves evaluating a situation, coming up with concrete steps for dealing with it, and then putting the plan into action. Worrying, on the other hand, rarely leads to solutions.
Distinguish between solvable and unsolvable worries
If a worry pops into your head, start by asking yourself whether the problem is something you can actually solve. Ask your self:
- -Is the problem something you're currently facing, rather than an imaginary what-if?
- -If the problem is an imaginary what-if, how likely is it to happen? Is your concern realistic?
- -Can you do something about the problem or prepare for it, or is it out of your control?
If the worry is solvable, start brainstorming. Make a list of all the possible solutions you can think of.
Unsolvable on the other side, as previously mentioned, worrying helps you avoid unpleasant emotions. Worrying keeps you in your head, thinking about how to solve problems rather than allowing yourself to feel the underlying emotions. But you can’t worry your emotions away. While you’re worrying, your feelings are temporarily suppressed, but as soon as you stop, they bounce back. And then, you start worrying about your feelings: “What’s wrong with me? I shouldn’t feel this way!”
The only way out of this vicious cycle is by leaning to embrace your feelings. This may seem scary at first because of negative beliefs you have about emotions. For example, you may believe that you should always be rational and in control, that your feelings should always make sense, or that you shouldn’t feel certain emotions, such as fear or anger.
The truth is that emotions—like life—are messy. They don’t always make sense and they’re not always pleasant. But as long as you can accept your feelings as part of being human, you’ll be able to experience them without becoming overwhelmed and learn how to use them to your advantage. The following tips will help you find a better balance between your intellect and your emotions.
Tip 3: Accept uncertainty
Worrying is seen as a way to predict what the future has in store—a way to prevent unpleasant surprises and control the outcome. The problem is, it doesn’t work.You may feel safer when you’re worrying, but it’s just an illusion. Focusing on worst-case scenarios won’t keep bad things from happening. It will only keep you from enjoying the good things you have in the present. So if you want to stop worrying, start by tackling your need for certainty and immediate answers.
Accepting uncertainty: The key to anxiety relief
To understand the problems of refusing to accept uncertainty, ask yourself the following 4 questions and write down your responses.
- Is it possible to be certain about everything in life?
- What are the advantages of requiring certainty, versus the disadvantages? Or, how is needing certainty in life helpful and unhelpful?
- Do you tend to predict bad things will happen just because they are uncertain? Is this a reasonable thing to do? What is the likelihood of positive or neutral outcomes?
- Is it possible to live with the small chance that something negative may happen, given its likelihood is very low?
Source: Accepting Uncertainty, Centre for Clinical Interventions
Tip 4: Challenge anxious thoughts
If you suffer from chronic anxiety and worries, chances are you look at the world in ways that make it seem more dangerous than it really is.
You may also discredit your own ability to handle life’s problems, assuming you’ll fall apart at the first sign of trouble. These irrational, pessimistic attitudes are known as cognitive distortions. Although cognitive distortions aren’t based on reality, they’re not easy to give up. Often, they’re part of a lifelong pattern of thinking that’s become so automatic you’re not even completely aware of it. In order to break these bad thinking habits and stop the worry and anxiety they bring, you must retrain your brain.
Start by identifying the frightening thought, being as detailed as possible about what scares or worries you. Then, instead of viewing your thoughts as facts, treat them as hypotheses you’re testing out. As you examine and challenge your worries and fears, you’ll develop a more balanced perspective.
You could challenge your thoughts with questions:
-What’s the evidence that the thought is true? That it’s not true?
- -Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?
- -What’s the probability that what I’m scared of will actually happen? If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?
- -Is the thought helpful? How will worrying about it help me and how will it hurt me?
- -What would I say to a friend who had this worry?
Cognitive distortions that add to anxiety, worry and stress:
-All-or-nothing thinking-Looking at things in black-or-white categories, with no middle ground.
-Overgeneralization- Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever.
-Diminishing the positive – Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count.
-The mental filter - Focusing on the negatives while filtering out all the positives.
-Jumping to conclusions – Making negative interpretations without actual evidence
-Catastrophizing – Expecting the worst-case scenario to happen. “The pilot said we’re in for some turbulence. The plane’s going to crash!”
-Emotional reasoning – Believing that the way you feel reflects reality. “I feel frightened right now. That must mean I’m in real physical danger.”
-'Shoulds’ and ‘should-nots’ – Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should and shouldn’t do and beating yourself up if you break any of the rules.
-Labeling – Labeling yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings. “I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser.”
-Personalization – Assuming responsibility for things that are outside your control. “It’s my fault my son got in an accident. I should have warned him to drive carefully in the rain.”
Tip 5: Be aware of how others affect you
How you feel is affected by the company you keep, whether you’re aware of it or not. Studies show that emotions are contagious. We quickly “catch” moods from other people—even from strangers who never speak a word (e.g. the terrified woman sitting by you on the plane; the fuming man in the checkout line). The people you spend a lot of time with have an even greater impact on your mental state.
Keep a worry diary. You may not be aware of how people or situations are affecting you. Maybe this is the way it’s always been in your family, or you’ve been dealing with the stress so long that it feels normal. Try keeping a worry diary for a week or so. Over time, you’ll start to see patterns.
Spend less time with people who make you anxious.
Choose your confidantes carefully. Know who to talk to about situations that make you anxious. Some people will help you gain perspective, while others will feed into your worries, doubts, and fears.
Tip 6: Practice mindfulness
Worrying is usually focused on the future—on what might happen and what you’ll do about it. The centuries-old mindfulness can help you break free by bringing your attention back to the present. Give it a go, it might work for you as well.
If you struggle to manage anxiety on your own, join me for stress management course stress4less, where we break down the stressor, face them one by one while in the same time we boost wellbeing.
As they say “ Don’t worry, be happy …!
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